Don’t stay up all night reading these extremely nocturnal tweets.
Saw this weird porn where the audio was just a bunch of owls and rats screeching in a barn and the video was also that.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) April 26, 2016
Just realised that owls can have sex doggy style while staring into each other’s eyes & now im super creeped out
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) January 8, 2015
Help, I lied about being good at punching owls and Animal Planet gave me a show, “The Owl Puncher”, someone tell me where to hit this thing?
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) February 22, 2016
we only think owls are wise because they look like they have glasses.
ive never seen a professor scream and eat a field mouse with his feet— Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) May 9, 2015
“Whoa, whoa, whoa” ~drunk owls
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) April 28, 2015
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it— brent (@murrman5) January 21, 2015
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 28, 2014
If a woman looks back after you both say goodbye that means she likes you.
Unless she’s an owl. Then it just means she’s an owl.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) August 25, 2017
if an owl is so wise then why can’t it remember anyone’s name
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) April 26, 2017
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) April 26, 2017
“I’m such a night owl,” I say, tucking into bed, spinning my head 180 degrees to watch a rising full moon, awaiting the transformation…
— batkaren (@batkaren) January 8, 2017
I overslept in my tent in front of Target. All I got is 50% off swim goggles and a tote with an owl in a Santa hat that says “who who who!”
— Paula Pell (@perlapell) November 25, 2016
God *twisting an owl*: I can’t get this damn jar open.
— spacegirl (@iamspacegirl) June 8, 2016
Narrator: this owl is very smart and better than you. You’re an idiot, watch this flying beaked elf thing be smarter than you at living
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) November 25, 2015
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