This week’s tweets can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, ‘cause they’re dead.
when Kanye took that VMA from Taylor I was like “oh, weird” not “this will psychologically cripple both artists, driving them to madness”
— caitlin bitzegaio (@caitorade) August 27, 2017
Groundhog Day is my favorite movie about how it takes approx 2000 years for a man to stop trying to manipulate/assault a woman and be kind.
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) August 31, 2017
Same sex marriage? Hell, I’m voting for SOME sex marriage, right fellas? [the feedback from the mic kills an elderly lady in the front row]
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) August 30, 2017
on your first day in prison go up to the biggest motherfucker in there and ask him if he ever gets sad
— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) August 30, 2017
me: [generously lets you into traffic]
also me: wave at me you motherfucker
— Robert Manchild (@RobertManchild) March 21, 2017
I just put a bed together using nothing but an Allen key & swear words.
— Paul (@bingowings14) August 17, 2017
Your overused 80’s movie references won’t Marty McFly with me.
— Wünder Zödä (@Poutymcgee) August 29, 2017
ME: Hey pal, what condiment is that?
PAL: Soy sauce.
ME: Sauce, ¿qué condimento es eso?— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) August 17, 2017
It’s kinda fucked that musicians eat sandwiches by placing them inside trombones and honking them into each other’s mouths
— Deirdre (@figgled) April 18, 2017
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
Sometimes I lack motivation.
“Can you elaborate?”
*taking out a pillow* Maybe after my nap.— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 30, 2017
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB— Mowgli (@Holy_Mowgli) August 28, 2017
Me: I really haven’t felt sexual in a long time but I think maybe, maybe I’m ready
UPS Guy: I really just need you to sign for this package
— chloe (@GoddessTitty) August 22, 2017
Relish comes in a 12 oz. jar so I can have the 2 oz. I need now, plus another 10 oz. to sit in my fridge for a decade.
— Josh Patten (@thejoshpatten) August 31, 2017
What if you suddenly died for some reason while lying in a coffin. would they put you in a different coffin or use same one
— AlGore Trout (@Karate_Horse) August 31, 2017
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
— Madeclair (@FeelingEuphoric) August 27, 2017
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me again, I’m really gullible and this is starting to hurt my feelings, please stop.— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) August 12, 2017
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
— RM (@dorsalstream) August 30, 2017
A.I. may replace the labourer and even the strategist, but it will never replace the poet, because computers arent fucken lame ass nerds lol
— mike peeboy (@MikeBigby) August 29, 2017
I’m really really really enjoying my new thesaurus
— mo (@chuuew) August 29, 2017
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) August 30, 2017
Cheap Trick: I want you to want me, I need you to need me
Expensive Trick: I want $1000 for the night, I need it up front
— no great matter (@BringDaNoyz) August 21, 2017
Me: Have you seen Memento?
Girlfriend: *checks list of movies tattooed on her arm* Nope.
— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) July 12, 2017
HER: I’m late
ME: For what
HER: No, I mean… LATE
ME: OMG you’re dead?— REW (@therealeatwood) August 20, 2017
The post 27 Goodest Tweets We Scrolled Past This Week #98 appeared first on Cloud Authority.
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