6 Fatal Flaws Behind Famous Conspiracy Theories

Anything else? Just everything. The seasons. Phases of the moon. Time zones wouldn’t work. We can see satellites with our naked eyes. Surveyors have to correct for the Earth’s curvature when measuring large distances. Seismic waves. When we jump up and down, there isn’t a hollow sound.

And sure, if you’re really attached to one of these theories, you can still believe it by claiming that all the evidence is faked, and all the scientists laughing and spitting at you were paid to do so. But when you extend that line of reasoning to its logical conclusion, you realize …

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Every Conspiracy Would Cost A Bajillion Dollars And Be Uncovered In A Few Years

The problem behind all conspiracy theories is that even if they were true, every single one of these conspiracies would implode on its own. The odds of keeping a secret go down dramatically the more people know it, which is the basis on which some researchers created a mathematical equation to predict how long, given the number of people involved, major conspiracies would take to unravel. If Big Science was making up climate change, for instance, they’d only have had 3.5 years before one of their 400,000 employees ‘fessed up. Meanwhile, a “vaccines contain poison” skit would have lasted three years before the CDC and FDA’s herd immunity toward getting arrested ran out.

So what about something like 9/11? While the researchers didn’t calculate a timespan for that, from their math, we know that to keep a conspiracy secret for over five years, it can’t have more than 2,521 conspirators. And there’s a good chance that between the CIA, FBI, ASCE, FAA, NYPD, NYFD, and NYP-EMS, that many people would have been preparing coffee for the true conspirators.

FEMA

“Jet fuel didn’t melt those steel beams, but we’re going to find out if it can melt you if you fuck up my Starbucks order again, Steve.”

“Ahhh,” you say. “What if they were all assassinated afterwards? That’s how I’d do it.” OK, A) Holy shit, how much thought have you put into this? And B) That would still be the dumbest idea ever, because someone might notice the entire editorial staff of Popular Mechanics committing suicide after publishing their conspiracy-busting book.

“OK,” you add hastily. “I just meant maybe they were all paid off.” OK sure, fine.

The original equation is based on workers keeping quiet out of loyalty, not because they were paid fat stacks. But we’ve covered this point before: If the conspirators were paying off troublesome individuals, any of the conspiracies we’ve mentioned above would be the biggest employer in recorded history. If you discovered that children’s vaccines were being dosed with poison, how big would the check have to be to keep your mouth shut? A million dollars? Ten million? It’s got to be enough that you could disappear and live the rest of your days blocking out the nightmares with alcohol. And now multiply that by the number of people involved. The IRS will hear about that eventually, unless they’re all getting paid off too, and then what happens when some dude notices his neighbor who works at the IRS has boat money? You fairly quickly reach the point where you can’t pay off everyone without creating so much inflation that you’ve effectively paid off no one.

It just doesn’t work. Which raises the question: If conspiracy theories don’t work, who’s coming up with all these conspiracy theories?

Is it the government? To keep us confused and scared and docile?

Oh shit …

When they aren’t undertaking the Sisyphean task of debunking the internet’s bullshit, Marina and Adam tweet on Twitter.

Appease our lizard overlords with this plush iguana, but be sure not to let the mole people see. They are known to get jealous.

Also check out 5 Shockingly Insane Conspiracy Theories About World Leaders and Why Dumb-Ass Conspiracy Theories Are An American Tradition.

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