->Holy crap, Maria, did
you see the season finale
of “Game of Thrones” this week?
->Uh, are dragons real
and living among us
and working as baristas?
Hello, Carmen.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
->Let me just tell
you, “Game of Thrones”
started off so strong this week
giving a little shout-out to all
those pain-hungry queens.
->Maybe it really is all cocks in the end.And it’s the annual
Westeros corporate retreat,
and it is not going smoothly.
Every Day Root
Touchup shows up late,
and so Dublin Gift
Shop Crown is pissed.
->We’ve been here for some time.Sorry, I’m on DPT,And it’s Saturday, so
nobody wants to be there.
->We are a group of people
who do not like one another.
->Until they find out
there’s a magic show.
->We can destroy
them by burning them,
and we can destroy
them with dragonglass.
Are you ready?
->And then Jon and
Christina, they were having
a little meet cute
down at the boneyard.
And she was regaling
him about how she
is barren as the Sahara, honey.
->I can’t have children.Who told you that?The witch who
murdered my husband.
->It’s like, why does
she have to brag?
It’s like, yeah,
I’m barren, too,
but I don’t go telling
people all the time.
->Yeah.I can’t have babies,
and it’s awesome.
->And then my little
baby Theon, he walks up
to this gang of beach dusters
so he can sort out a search
party for Lena Dunham,
but Rapist Captain
Crunch is not having it.
And then my baby Theon,
he keeps getting up
in spite of the constant abuse.
[GRUNTING]
->And someone grows a set of
new ones where none exist.
That’s what happens
with my husband.
He had to pull out a ball.
The doctor, to go
in there, pull them
out, because you have to wait–
wait for it.
->Because he had
an undescended nut?
->Yes.You stand accused of murder.Lady Sansa, forgive me.But instead of playing
a symphony for him,
he has to play a neck solo.
->Sansa.No, that was, like, the
best part of the whole show,
and I don’t even watch the show.
I didn’t even know who he was.
I didn’t know who either
of those girls were.
I didn’t know why they were
at Restoration Hardware
or, like, where
they’d gotten all
those Urban Outfitters pillows
to wear, but it was exciting.
->Meanwhile, back
at Google Maps,
Vintage Mia Farrow is performing
a full-on Jack Johnson concert
serving nothing but flip-flops.
->The darkness is
coming for us all.
We’ll face it together.
Let the Stark boy and his
new queen defend the north.
We stay here, where
we’ve always been.
->And then in a
shocking turn of events,
Brother D and Vintage Mia Farrow,
the incest twins of our hearts, break up.
->It is the most shocking
breakup since Joey left Rachel?
Or was it…
Ross?
Who was on that show?
->It was like–The Meat Lovers pizza,
is that part of it?
->So back at Winterfell, Miss
Cleo spills the family tea
to Tubby Lubby that Jon Snow
is Targaryen, which means he’s
Christina Aguilera’s nephew,
which for sure will not
lead to anything weird at all.
[HEAVY BREATHING]
All that buildup, and I
essentially got my love scene
between those two
broiled down to,
like, a Skintomax mean,
you know, fifth grade
humping a pillow moment.
->But she’s barren, right, so
nothing’s gonna happen anyway.
Except yet everything can
happen if you’re barren.
The world opens up.
And by the way,
what a master class
in acting by the kid in the
wheelchair, who’s also blind.
Or is it both?
I can’t tell, he’s
acting so fucking hard.
I’m already in the chair.
But you gotta get the blind.
[LAUGHING]
->Oh honey, and then
in that last scene,
we had Approachable
Karl Lagerfeld blasting
the shit out of
Westeros sugar walls
on his new dragon, Eiffel 65.
♫ I’m blue da ba di
da ba di da ba di da ba di.
->Those condos took a
long time to put up.
This is a development.
We have, uh– we have
rules around here.
->What are we gonna
do with this hair?
->I just think just enjoy it.You know what is a show that is
an underrated and under appreciated
is “The New Adventures
of Old Christine.”
->Oh!It was great.OK, is that really
that interesting anymore?
The greatness?
->No.I mean, haven’t we seen it?
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