Joel Osteen – megachurch pastor and bizarre hybrid of Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, and Ned Flanders – has been a figure of controversy in light of the devastating floods in Houston, TX, caused by Hurricane Harvey. Osteen runs the megachurch Lakewood Church, which has a seating capacity of over 15,000 and can hold over 50,000 individuals – yet the church’s doors have not opened to house those who lost their homes or are in need of shelter. And all Osteen offered in support were his “prayers” (not any actual material action that could make a difference):
Victoria & I are praying for everyone affected by Hurricane Harvey. Please join us as we pray for the safety of our Texas friends & family.
— Joel Osteen (@JoelOsteen) August 26, 2017
Eventually – after nearly a full day of being shamed on social media and by various outlets – Lakewood Church caved, and started stocking up on air mattresses and supplies in order to start taking in a lot of people – so this story DOES have a happy less sad ending.
But this whole event brings us back to a key point: for a supposed charitable organization of faith to not do everything in its power to help the poor, the needy, and the desperate is pretty unconsciable…or is it?
See, Joel Osteen follows a SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BIBLE than most Christians – which explains a lot, honestly.
THE STORY OF NOAH AND THE FLOOD
- God
MOSES, A GREAT FLOOD IS COMING. I NEED YOU TO GATHER BUILDING SUPPLIES…
- Noah
To build a great ark, and use it to house 2 of every animal species so that we may repopulate the Earth after the flood?
- God
NO – USE IT TO BUILD A MEGACHURCH THAT CAN HOLD OVER 16,000 ATTENDEES PER SERMON.
- Noah
Oh. That seems…excessive. That’s like a football stadium.
- God
NO IT’LL BE GREAT, TRUST ME. IT’LL BRING IN A TON OF MONEY. IT’LL PAY FOR ITSELF WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE YEARS, GUARANTEED.
- Noah
Shouldn’t places of worship be – I dunno – smaller? Something of that size feels exploitive of religion and deeply impersonal.
- God
LISTEN DON’T OVERTHINK THIS. JUST BUILD THE MEGACHURCH. AND A FEW PARKING LOTS, GONNA NEED THOSE.
- Noah
Okay. Can I house people in the megachurch when the flood starts?
- God
AW MAN I’D REALLY RATHER YOU DIDN’T. THIS PLACE IS KINDA OUTTA THE WAY ANYHOW SO IT’D BE TOUGH FOR PEOPLE TO GET HERE.
- Noah
What about two of every animal?
- God
LISTEN I AM NOT PAYING TO GET THE CARPETS RE-DONE AFTER SOME ANTELOPES TAKE A SHIT ON IT.
THE STORY OF MARY & JOSEPH
- The town of Bethlehem, night. A young couple – which includes a very pregnant woman – approaches an innkeeper, looking for a place to stay for the night.
- Innkeeper
Uh, sorry. Not open.
- Mary
But it looks like you have a TON of space.
- Joseph
Like, SO MUCH SPACE.
- Mary
We could really use a place to stay. Isn’t it kinda your whole deal to help give people a place to stay?
- Innkeeper
No, that’s not really accurate. Listen, I’m hoping and praying that you two will find a place to rest.
- Joseph
Uh. Okay? It’s just, instead of “praying”, you could just ACTUALLY let us stay here.
- Mary
Also, aren’t you the innkeeper who lives in a $10.5 million mansion? I think you of all people could afford to let a poor couple stay one night in your giant empty building.
- Innkeeper
Listen, there’s a perfectly good barn over there.
- Mary
Oh, good. I see there’s hay, and random barnyard animals. Perfect spot for a young woman to give birth.
THE STORY OF THE LAST SUPPER
- Jesus and his apostles sit around a table.
- Jesus
Take and eat, for this is my body – given for you.
- Judas
Oh wow, free bread. Thanks Jesus.
- Jesus
Whoa whoa whoa – who said anything about “FREE” bread?
- Peter
Are you…making us pay for your body-bread?
- Jesus
I think it’s a little unfair for you guys to assume I was going to pick up the check myself. I’m providing YOU with food – I think the least you guys could do is cough up some cash.
- Judas
I only have silver.
- Jesus
Yeah that’ll work. Anyways – take and drink, for this is my blood – given for you.
- Jesus
Wine is by the glass, but you save a little money if you get a whole bottle.
- Matthew
I don’t really wanna drink a whole bottle of wine.
- Jesus
Well you would share it with someone is the idea.
- Matthew
Does anyone want to go halfsies on a bottle?
- James
White or red?
- Jesus
It’s a red – the whole “blood” thing.
- James
I think I’m okay with water.
- Peter
You seem a lot less generous than before, Jesus.
- Jesus
Is it a crime or something for a preacher to make some money? I’m sharing the word of God, feels like the least I should ask for is a few million bucks, a cushy mansion, and maybe a lucrative publishing deal. Also, I’d prefer to not have to deal with poor or needy people.
- Peter
I guess that’s fair.
- Jesus
Hey Judas, wanna give me – say – 30 pieces of silver for the meal?
- Judas
Are you kidding? All I had was bread and a glass of wine.
- Jesus
Maybe you should have consulted the price menu first.
- Judas
…I’ll be praying for your safety tomorrow.
The post If Joel Osteen Wrote The Bible appeared first on Cloud Authority.
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